Hejira
by Ashantai
Summary: Chapter 7 is up! This is a story about Tinga... begins when she's 17 and goes back and forth.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Hejira Author: Ashantai E-Mail: ashantai@hotmail.com Rating: PG-13 Disclaimer: I own nothing and nobody. http://devoted.to/x5 

  
HEJIRA 

My dark eyes flash at him as I wrench my hand away. "Don't touch me," I hiss. "I'll kill you." He gazes at me, he looks sad. I stand there and stare at him. _Yes, you are my brother, my CO, and yes, I love you. But I will kill you if you put a hand on me again. I'm not in the mood to be coddled. I never was._

"What are you going to do?" he wants to know. He doesn't touch me, I've won that much. I can win more, push it. He's asking, giving me an in. I stare at him, cross my arms lazily, but I'm ready for anything, to attack, to run. He was never my safety net like he was everybody else's. I don't owe him anything because he said to run away. But I do owe him something because I love him, because he loves me. Who taught us that? A nurse? Zack himself? Or did we just know, is it something you're born with? Love. The thing that bound us. The thing that set us free. 

"I'm going to be happy," I say, and already I know it's a lie, I can feel it in the back of my mouth, burning. Maybe he doesn't see it, or maybe he doesn't want to. Either way, he gives a nod. His steel blue eyes gaze at me. I touch his arm, but he doesn't make a move to hold my hand. He's smart, he learns fast, that's why they made him the CO. How lucky I was to never have that responsibility, to never have even been considered for it. Jondy, Syl, Cade, Tosh, they all had their units, the soliders under their command. I was the little girl who stood in the background with my dark eyes and snapped the target's neck when he stumbled into me. I was the one no one noticed, I disappeared, I was quiet. I was a great solider. 

"Happy," Zack says, and he turns the word into a scoff. He shrugs off my hand. "You'll be tying yourself down." He's right. For a moment I see myself through his eyes, the way he must see me, and I understand. Yes, I will by tying myself down, I will be leaving myself open, vulnerable to attack. Yes, I will live at the same address for more than six months, I will have friends, I will take small risks that gradually get larger. He looks at me and can't understand why. 

"Yeah," I say. "You're right. My choice, Zack. My life." 

"You'll compromise us all," he snarls. 

"What are you going to do, keep every one of us moving until we die? Why didn't you just keep us in Manticore, at least there was more to do there." 

"Why do you have to be like that?" he asks, and the words are more tired than angry. Zack is tired a lot, constantly, all the time. 

"It's not up to you to run our lives anymore," I tell him. "You got us out. It's up to us now." 

He shakes his head, and I hear him say under his breath, "Children." 

"No," I tell him, and he looks at me, sadly, he never looked so sad back at Manticore, there was too much anger to cover it all up. Or maybe the outside world made him sad, I don't know. All I know is, he doesn't understand the way things were. "No," I say again, and I find his hand, put it over my stomach, drag it a little lower. The tiny life there is stirring, it moves just a little under his hand. "We're not children anymore." 

"You don't understand." But he doesn't take his hand away. He gazes at it, fascinated. He's so innocent sometimes. 

"Yes I do," I say. "This is something to live for." 

"And what about when they take it away?" he asks. I twist away from him so he isn't touching me anymore, he makes me so angry I could punch him. Maybe I would have if I didn't know I'd have to kill him to get out of it alive. 

"I'll die first," I tell him. He moves away then, toward the door, pulls it open. 

"You will," he says. For the first time, I get a chill, but I cover it up. I'm good at that. 

"I've been out of there for seven years," I tell him. "I'm not going back. They can't control me anymore, what makes you think you can? I wouldn't let them take this away from me and I won't let you do it either." He stops, the door half open, his hand still on the knob. 

"Don't you think I'd let you have this if I thought it was a good idea?" he asks, and his eyes are more pleading than sad now. It bothers me. "Don't you think I want you all to be happy?" 

"Maybe," I say. "Maybe not. It doesn't matter. This is what I've decided to do with my life. You don't like it, fine." I walk over to him, push aside his hand and open the door the rest of the way, stare him down with my dark eyes. "Just go, Zack. I'll call you if we move. Just go away." 

He steps through the door, and I'm about to close it behind him, but he stops, turns around. "Don't tell him who you are," he warns. 

"I haven't," I say, and there's a pang of guilt deep inside that I try to stifle, that I've been trying to stifle since this all began. Zack nods. 

"Not the kid either," he says. 

I say, "Of course not." But I will tell this baby, when he's old enough. My child will never be lied to. One day, I will tell him where I came from… and one day, I'll tell his father too. 

Zack puts his hands in his pockets, backs away from the door. It's cold outside, summer is long gone, winter's not too far away. I can see his breath turning the air to mist, but I know he isn't cold. 

"I'll check up on you," Zack says, as though I had a doubt. 

I tell him, "I know." He nods, walks away, disappears into the night. I close the door, lock it, stand there for a minute. There's a sound from upstairs, a light padding on the stair. I whirl, ever-ready for an attack, especially now, especially when there is another life clinging to mine, so dependent, so helpless. 

"Who was that, Penny?" I relax, it's just Charlie, his hair tousled from sleep. He's stayed the night, my roommates are all still sleeping, the house is quiet. I hold out a hand, he comes down from the last step and takes it, gives it a squeeze. He is warm and real and so innocent that it still amazes me. 

"I'm pregnant," I tell him softly after he's kissed me, and his eyes raise to mine, bright and full of promise and love. He smiles at me. It's the beginning of something hopeful, something exciting and warm and beautiful. Something mine.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This is going to be a story of short chapters, because it's just hitting me in bursts like this. still, it's coming along. Please review.  
  
  
  
  
  
HEJIRA - Chapter 2  
  
Let's back up a bit. I work nights waitressing at a restaurant. At least, that's what the owners call it, but the food is just an excuse. It's definitely not a family place, no booths, and smoke hangs thick in the air around gambling tables and the stage. I'm not on stage, I could but I don't. I'm not sure why exactly. I waitress, strictly, but I don't wear much so I get great tips for doing nothing but using what was given to me, the beauty that's written into my genetic code. My boss loves me, I'm responsible for half the new customers in this place and I don't even strip or go out back like some of the girls. They hate me, but I don't care about them. My boss isn't going to be happy when I tell him I'm pregnant, but I figure I won't be showing for a few months anyway, why say anything at all?  
  
He came in for the first time about six weeks ago, he'd been on the road, I could smell it. He wasn't looking for a place like this, he just wanted some cheap food. The girls were a surprise to him, I could tell, and I was glad for that. Now he's settled here in Salt Lake, though I'm sure it wasn't his intended destination, and I serve him dinner at least once a week, sometimes more often. The other girls thought from the start that he just wanted to get into my pants, but I ignored them and served him his dinner, making small-talk for as long and as often as I could get away with it. I knew he was Zane though I always called him by his alias, Alex, and he knew I was Tinga though he always called me Penny. I guess we both decided it would work out better that way, we could pretend not to care about each other, we could pretend not to be family, so that if he had to be taken away, like we both knew eventually he would, it wouldn't hurt us. That was the theory, anyway. Every so often I really wondered if he believed it was really going to happen that way. He was so innocent, even after everything, that sometimes I think he did.  
  
It was a cold winter night when we had our first out-of-work conversation, when I first heard him say my name, my real name. I was heading for my car and I heard him behind me. I turned and smiled at him, pulling out my keys but not getting into the car. He walked over to me, stopped a couple of feet away. His eyes were always intense in Manticore and they haven't changed. His smile's just as vivacious and warm, though much more frequent out here than it was back there. My smile is less friendly, more guarded, smaller. I was the child in the shadows.  
  
"Tinga," he said softly, and that time I didn't smile, because suddenly I knew what was going on. My keys went back in my pocket though I'd been planning to unlock the door of my car and drive away. I smiled at him, sultry.  
  
"Zane," I answered, and then he was on me, pressing me back against the brick wall of the restaurant, kissing me, pulling at my clothes. I hadn't realized until the moment he'd said my name, but obviously he'd smelled it on me a mile away. Somehow, we stumbled into a building nearby, an abandoned one, or mostly. There were a few drunks in there, but they all left pretty quickly after Zane growled dangerously at them to get lost. Then he pulled me down on the floor with him on a bunch of old blankets or something else relatively soft, not that I cared at that point. Even in heat he was gentle, loving, even romantic. Zane had a funny way of being romantic in the strangest, sweetest circumstances. I liked that.  
  
It was a few days before I was finally finished, and I gathered my clothes, most of which were torn and useless, as Zane did the same. We were a little embarrassed I think, the nature of our relationship had just changed drastically, though really it was neither of our faults. I stroked his hair and called him baby brother and told him I was involved with someone. He nodded, asked me if I was happy, and I said yes because really, I was. Even after that my desire to be with Charlie didn't waver. I guess Zane was the ultimate test of that. I had the most fulfilling, most primally right sex of my life with Zane, but I still wanted Charlie. Maybe it was that night that I completely realized how much I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We'd talked about it a few times, but it was only after Zane that I became certain.  
  
Long story short, I didn't tell Charlie. I said I'd had some family business to take care of, apologized for making him worry, made love to him, and added this to a long list of things that I would tell him one day, someday.  
  
It was spring when Case was born, warm outside. I liked the name, always had. It was a home birth, just in case. No barcode. No imperfections. I watched him like a hawk, for weeks, months. No seizures. He cried a lot. A perfectly normal baby.  
  
I know what you're thinking, and you can put all that out of your head right now. I never had a father, I was never allowed that, but I know who Case's is. Your father is the person who loves you and raises you and takes care of you. And anyway, I never knew for sure either way.  
  
* * *  
  
It was only when Case started talking at four months that I wondered, and when he started on calculus at three years old that I got scared. Charlie loved it, he was so proud of Case, he had such plans for schools and great accomplishments for our toddler. Charlie is so naïve it's started to make me sick, really.  
  
Zane has been long gone for months, Zack moved him somewhere, and me and Charlie are in Portland now. I don't really expect to see Zane again for years, maybe never, Zack has been cracking down on his isolation rule since I've had a baby, punishing me. I'm the only one in the unit with children. as far as I know, anyway. Unless you include Zane. Which I don't.  
  
Zack shows up every so often on rounds, but this time he comes early, on Case's fourth birthday, and that annoyed me because it means that he was hanging around enough to know when his birthday is. He came to work, not my home, he didn't want to see Charlie and though he probably does want to see Case he's not about to risk running into the husband to get a look at the son. I'd thought about getting a job like my Salt Lake one when we'd moved to Portland, but the money wasn't worth the indecency, and suddenly with a small chlid I cared about being decent. I applied to a few different places, a few corporations needing receptionists on the ritzy side of town, a bakery near our house, and a daycare three blocks away. The daycare, bakery, and two of the offices called me for interviews, but when Zack showed up he said big corporations are too high-profile and he didn't want me getting any ideas into my head about more babies. So I took the bakery job, and I like it a lot. I like my life a lot. Maybe I wasn't speaking such an untruth when I told Zack I was going to be happy, even if it had felt like it at the time.  
  
"Here," Zack says, tossing me a wad of cash. I put it in my pocket and offer him some fresh bread, and I'm surprised when he takes it.  
  
"Tell me about the others," I say, and he shakes his head.  
  
"You know the rule," is all he says. I make a face and take my break, sitting down with him at a back table. "How's the kid?" he asks.  
  
"Case is fine," I say coolly. "Why don't you ever come to see him?"  
  
"I do," Zack says.  
  
"I meant publicly."  
  
"I think you know the answer to that."  
  
"It's his birthday today," I tell him.  
  
"I know," Zack answers, and I let a long silence pass between us. I want to say more, but he's not exactly being very friendly about talking. He glances up at me and reads my expression easily. "What is it?"  
  
"He's. special," I say, and Zack puts the bread down slowly.  
  
"How so?" he asks, instantly giving me all his attention. I fill him in the way he gets his work done ages before the other children, even the ones two or three years older, how he started talking early, how good he is with math, how much he understands, uncannily so for a child of his age. By the end of it I'm as tense as he is.  
  
"Should I go on?" I ask, stressed. He shakes his head slowly.  
  
"Let me think," he says. I put my hand on his arm.  
  
"What should I do?" I whisper, and I hate the weakness I'm showing, but I'll forgo my pride, anything to keep Case safe. Zack looks at me, his eyes are sad. I jerk my hand back and shake my head. "I'm not giving him up."  
  
"He'll be safer."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"You'll be safer too."  
  
"I don't care!"  
  
"You're so selfish!" Zack stands up and I do too, my eyes flash angrily at him. He doesn't like it that I'm almost as tall as he is.  
  
"My break's over now," I hiss. "Thanks for the money." I turn away but he grabs my arm.  
  
"Tinga-"  
  
"Penny," I growl, jerking my arm away. "Penny Smith, I'm married Zack, I'm not just walking away."  
  
"Fine," Zack says, low, and he turns and leaves the bakery. I won't see him again for years, but at this point I don't care, all I care about is that he's so stupid and so unbelievably insensitive, and as much as I love him I hate him more right now. 


	3. Chapter 3

HEJIRA - Chapter 3 

_Blood heightens everything. We kicked and punched and grabbed, but when somebody's nails scraped, or maybe it was somebody's teeth, that changed everything. The blood started flowing and the scent filled the air, at one point I tasted it. Tasted it and loved it, wanted more. We ripped him to shreds, we were animals, we were everything we were ever made to be and more. _

We tore at his skin, ripping skin from muscle and gouging into flesh, his screams only made it better. My face was streaked with blood, my soft brown hands soaked with it, the metallic taste heavy and wonderful in my mouth. They praised us, lined us up, took our pictures. With the woods around us and the screams and the blood, everything was right, primal, everything I'd ever desired, we weren't individuals, our names didn't matter, even our designations were unimportant. We were one thing, we weren't separate, we moved as one being, together, with only one purpose: the kill. And it felt good. Good and right. We didn't need freedom, we needed only blood and screams and satisfaction. At lights out the shaking starts and it's not a seizure, I wash and wash my hands but the blood has seeped into my pores, into the creases of my hands, staining them death-red. 

  
Sometimes they hit in the day and you call them flashbacks, and sometimes they hit in the night and you call them nightmares. Whatever they are, they're not fun, and they're hard to hide, because your memory is perfect and when you have one it takes over everything. 

"Are you alright, Penny?" Charlie asks, his hands against my shoulders. I nod, briskly, I'd frozen at the counter but now I resume fixing a sandwich for Case's lunch. I make sure to do it slowly, keep my hands moving at a normal pace. I'm constantly restrained and sometimes I just have to leave for a few days, be myself. Be Tinga. At first Charlie hated it when I disappeared, but it was never more then three days, usually less, and he got used to it. Everybody gets used to everything, eventually. Unless you're like me. 

  
The first sister I see after the escape is Jondy. She comes into the bakery late one night, it's almost closing, she smells like the sea. I don't know it's her right away, not like with Zane, she's changed more, her eyes are more troubled, less bright. But they're still blue, still wide, and of course she's still beautiful. It doesn't take long to figure it out. 

"Penny," she says, looking at my name tag. I nod. "You got chocolate-chip bagels?" 

"Sure," I answer. "Cream cheese?" 

"Just butter," she answers. 

"It'll cost you," I tell her, the standard line. This is a game we're playing, we both know who we are. "Butter's in short supply these days." 

"I've got money," she answers, so I nod. 

"Toasted?" 

"Of course," she answers, and I go and fix her bagel. She tips me two hundred dollars and I don't even blink. 

"You live around the ocean?" I ask her, it's practically time to close the place and we're alone, so I sit with her at a table and she nods. 

"Why, do I reek like seaweed?" she asks, and she grins but there's no real happiness in the smile. It doesn't touch her eyes. It makes me sad, the world turned out alright for Zane, but obviously not for her. 

"Something like that," I tell her, smiling. She gazes at me and takes a bite of her bagel thoughfully, chews and swallows. 

"You happy?" 

"Sure," I say. "Of course." 

"Yeah?" 

I shrug. "I don't know, Jon, sometimes." 

She nods. "That's good," she says, taking another bite. "Sometimes is good." We sit there thoughtfully for a while, until she finishes her bagel, then she stands up and I stand with her. She hugs me, a belated greeting, and I touch her hair. 

"I've missed you, baby sister," I tell her, and she nods into my shoulder. She's crying but I don't say anything about it, I just hold her. When she pulls back she's stopped and she smiles at me, not a grin but a smile. It's better, but it still doesn't reach her eyes. 

"So you have a kid?" she asks. 

"Yeah, a son. Case." 

"That's good," Jondy says. "I think that's great." 

"What about you?" 

"I'm still trying to sort myself out, I'm not the best choice to raise anybody else," she says, and it comes out like a joke except her voice is dead serious, sad. 

"You want to stay for a while?" 

"And what will you tell your husband?" 

I shrug, annoyed that I always have to think about that, always have to make up an excuse, a lie. The list is so long now I don't even know where to start. "I'll tell him you're a friend from school," I say. Jondy considers it, but she shakes her head. 

"I'm just passing through, I'm heading home." 

"From where?" 

"Up north," she says vaguely, and I don't push it. I never push anything. 

"You seen Zack lately?" 

"Nope," she says, and I definitely don't push that, the tone in her voice says not to even if I did want to. I nod and hug her again, and I'm sad when she finally pulls back and turns for the door. 

"I love you, Jon." 

"Love you too, Penny." 

"Tinga," I say, a hint of surprise in my voice, and she turns back. 

"Yeah?" 

"Of course... it's you." 

"But aren't you Penny now?" she asks. I don't say anything for a minute. 

"I'm Tinga," I answer finally, hurt. She comes back and places a hand against my cheek. 

"Be Penny," she says. "You'll be happier that way." 

"Who are you?" I ask her then, because with that statement, who wouldn't? 

She grins, and I hate it even more this time, how fake it is, how tortured. "I'll always be Jondy," she says. 

I say again, "I love you." 

"I love you too." 

"Come back." 

"One day," she answers, but I don't think either one of us believes it. She turns away from me and leaves the bakery, climbs onto a motorcycle, speeds away without even a glance back. And I'm left there alone with a table peppered with bagel crumbs and that question, _But aren't you Penny now?_


	4. Chapter 4

HEJIRA - Chapter 4 

  
Jondy's question bothered me all through the drive home, and it's still bothering me when I arrived. I head next door to pick up Case, Charlie and I both had late hours tonight so I asked the neigbours to watch him. He climbs sleepily into my arms and I carry him to our house and up to his bedroom, changing him into his pajamas and tucking him into bed. 

"Read me a story," he says softly in his sweet voice that I love, and I sit on the edge of his bed, smiling. I look over to his little bookshelf and start to reach for a book, then I stop, turn back. I gaze at him for a while, thoughtfully, and he gazes back. His eyes are wide, beautiful, soft. I smooth the hair from his face, it'll be at least a half hour before Charlie gets home. 

"Once upon a time..." I falter, he waits patiently, I've never told him a story staright from my head before. "Once upon a time there was a princess who lived..." I frown, searching for that safe world between truth and cold reality, he's only four. "In a castle," I decide. "There were other princesses there, and princes. They loved each other very, very much. But the castle wasn't a happy place..." 

"Why not?" Case asks, immediately concerned. I smile at him, blink away the far-off expression in my eyes. 

"They were ruled over by an evil king," I explain. "He hurt the children and scared them. There were other things in the castle that scared them too, nomlies in the basement, monsters with eyes that stare... But one day they ran away." 

"Good," Case says. He yawns. 

"They were little," I go on. "And the king had told them lots of things about the world that weren't true. They didn't know what to expect. It was very hard at first, because the world was hard enough, and the evil king kept looking for them." 

"Why didn't he just let them go?" Case asks me, and I smile sadly. 

"I don't know, baby," I tell him softly. 

"Maybe he didn't know he was evil," Case suggests, he's so innocent. I smooth his hair. 

"He knew." 

"What happened after?" 

"The princess figured out some of the rules of the world, and she tried to act normal..." 

"What about the others?" 

"She doesn't see them very often. They all got split up after they ran away. It was safer that way." I can't help the bitterness in my voice and Case picks up on it. 

"She misses them?" 

"Very, very much," I agree softly. "And even when she does see them they aren't the people she knew before." I swallow. "And they don't like who she is now." 

"Why not?" 

"Because they don't like that she's trying to be normal," I whisper. "They don't see that she just wants to be happy." 

"Is she?" Case whispers, and I gaze at him, my wise, amazing child. 

"Almost all the time," I say, smiling. "But everything has a price, baby." 

I don't think he understands that, so he asks, "What about the evil king?" 

"He's still somewhere, looking..." I trail off, Case has a very worried expression on his face. "But he can't find the princess." 

"Why not?" 

"Because she's too smart," I whisper, leaning down and kissing his forehead. He smiles and his eyes flutter but I want to tell him more. "For a long time the princess was looking for something," I say softly. Case forces his eyes open, he knows this is important. 

"What?" 

I say nothing for a moment, then finally, "Her prince. She wanted to be happy. She wanted the world to be hers. She didn't want to feel like a stranger forever. She thought... maybe she could forget." 

Downstairs, the front door opens. Charlie is home. I glance that way, turn back to Case, he's asleep. I kiss his cheek, smooth his hair. 

"You didn't hear the ending, baby," I murmur, then smile. "Next time." I close his door softly and go downstairs. The flowers Charlie bought me for Valentine's Day a few days before are sitting in a vase on the dining room table. I watch from the shadows as he sets down his keys, reaches out to smell a rose. I deliberately make a small noise and his eyes jump to me, he smiles. 

"I didn't see you," he says. I walk over, take his hand. I kiss him and he tastes like citrus and rain. My hand strokes through his hair, so soft, as he kisses me deeply back. He takes me by the hand and leads me upstairs, we close the door of our bedroom to make love. I push Jondy's question to the back of my mind. Telling that story with Case, I was Tinga. In here now with Charlie undressing me, I'm Penny. Is that so horrible? 

I close my eyes and whisper to him, "Talk to me," because that way I won't have to think.


	5. Chapter 5

HEJIRA - Chapter 5 

At first I think it's something new, not a flashback, not a nightmare, but similar. Surreal. I freeze as I'm handing the change to the woman at the counter, she looks at me, thinking I'm staring at her but my eyes are fixed behind her. She turns toward the television, I'm sure it makes no sense to her, she pries the change out of my hand and walks away. I keep staring. People are speaking to me but I don't hear them. All I see is barcodes, all I hear is, "Your positions have been compromised." All I know is fear. 

I'm over the counter as soon as the broadcast ends, and out the door despite the yelling, the manager grabs my arm, I drop him in a second and climb into my truck, suddenly aware of how old the vehicle is, how slow and vulnerable. I floor it and I've been driving for at least an hour before I realize I'm heading to the city outskirts, I didn't once think of my husband and son. All I could think was, _Four of us compromised, someone must have talked._ The thought terrifies me, who was captured? 

I hit the brakes, disgusted with myself, I'd slipped into soldier-mode without a thought and it made me sick. I didn't even think of Case, didn't even think of Charlie. I turn the truck around and head back for my house, I'll grab them and we'll all get away, that's my thought but I don't know what kind of fantasy world I think I'm living in. I see the hummers tailing me long before I get to where I'm going, and I lose them around a junkyard, abandoning the truck and making it on foot into the poorer part of town, where people lived in parking lots and doorways. There's an old bus depot, it's packed with people, not great sniper territory, I could disappear or at least lay low. I pull out my cell phone and sprint in that direction, dialling a number I've had in my memory for years but never once used. I don't focus on the message, which is brief and to the point, just like him. I'm surprised by how much I've missed his voice. 

"It's Tinga," I say as the depot comes into view, I'm nearly at the entrance. "I'm in trouble, Portland, hurry." I stop long enough to locate the street signs, tell him my location, then click the phone closed, shoving in into my pocket as I slip through the gates. The soldiers are right behind me, I can hear their heavy bootfalls easily, Lydecker always was stupid. I slip around a corner, getting concerned, run into one of the soliders and throw him down. I pick up his gun and keep going, stuffing it into my belt. I drop another two, they're swarming the depot, I'm not getting out of here alone. I crouch down to conceal myself, I'm anxious, but I force myself to think I'm calm so maybe I'll fool myself into thinking it's true, I won't panic, I can't, I'll die if I do. 

"Come on, Zack," I whisper, I used to talk to myself when I was very upset as a child, and it scares me that I'm doing it now because it means I'm really freaked. "Where are you?" I breathe, my hands start shaking, I'm not going to seize now. I grab some tryptophan out of the pill case in pocket and pop them, clenching a fist. "Stop it," I hiss at myself. "Stop it, stop it." 

Truthfully, it's freaking me more that I just drove without even thinking earlier, ready to leave Charlie and Case in a heartbeat. Still all I can think about is getting the hell out of here, I can't go home, it'll only endanger them. I'm too scared to be sad about it. 

The hiding place doesn't last and I'm forced out, I shoot down a few of the soldiers before my gun runs out of ammo and I don't have any on me. I throw it to the ground, sprinting away, dropping a couple more soldiers as I pass. Escape and evade. 

It doesn't take long for me to be surrounded, I could take them if I was armed, or if they weren't. Otherwise it looks like I'm going down fighting. Van would like that, I hate it. I never wanted to be a solider, I never asked for it. I want to die in my sleep when I'm ninety-two with a bunch of grandchildren playing in the backyard... if we can even live that long. 

Then Zack is there, and as soon as I feel him next to me I can't imagine I ever doubted he'd come. He's brought someone with him, and when I have a chance I throw her a glance and see Max, it's so obvious it's her, the hair throws me off for a moment but otherwise she hasn't changed a bit. We fight with fluidity and adrenaline. We're one being, one unit, one family. It's glorious, and not in the bad way like that day in the woods. 

Afterward, we take one look at the ring of dispatched soliders and take off running, I know Zack will have a getaway car lined up so I just follow him, Max beside me, and we clear the fence, jumping into an Aztec driven by someone who definitely isn't related to us, so I wonder why Zack trusts him. One look at his face tells me he doesn't, so I don't say anything. I turn to him and smile, and he looks back at me affectionately. 

"The others?" I ask quickly. 

"They're fine," he assures me. "They all cleared out before anyone got wind of them." He gives me a sideways once-over. "You alright?" 

"Fine," I say. It's been a long time, but neither of us says anything about it. He's glad to see me and I'm glad to see him and we both need something to eat. The driver, who it turns out is a friend of Maxie's, takes us to an alley where Zack and I steal a car. I check the gas, there's enough to get us to Canada, and for the first time in hours I think of Case. But I know it's better, that they might already be compromised, that if I go back there'll be no chance for them to get out of this alive. After things cool down... 

Zack slides into the driver's seat next to me and Max walks over, she looks sad. Zack gazes at her for a moment, then sighs. "Should I even ask?" He shakes his head and adds, "Let's go." I'm surprised, I look up at Max quickly. 

"What about you?" 

"She's going back to Seattle," Zack answers for her, and I'm surprised at the bitterness in his voice, it's not really like him. 

"You're not coming with us?" I ask her softly. 

"Don't bother," Zack warns. 

"Lydecker's-" 

"I _said,_ don't bother," Zack repeats with more authority in his voice, and I look at my hands. I hear him turn the key in the ignition and I quickly glare at him and he relents. I hate this reunion, at least with Jondy we got to talk a little, but Zack won't let us so I don't even try. 

"You take care of yourself, baby sister," I tell Max, and she smiles, her eyes softening at hearing me say that, and that's when I know she's okay, she's always been okay. 

"You too," she says, hugging me, and I expect us to drive off right then, but he doesn't. 

"Thanks for getting me out," he says to Max. 

"Guess this makes us even," she says slowly. I see him nod. 

"Guess so." I sense the tightening of his jaw and his voice hardens. "Let's hope miracles come in two, because you're going to need one to keep from getting caught." Suddenly I remember why Zack annoys me so much, and I don't do a great job of hiding my disgust. Luckily he's too busy with Max to notice, and then he starts the car and we drive away, another baby sister getting smaller and smaller as the distance stretches between us. 

"This is the smartest thing you've ever done, Tinga," Zack says, and I lean my cheek against the cool window. I don't answer. "I'm serious," Zack says, his voice a little gentler. I know he loves me, he just doesn't understand. "They're safer this way." 

And I nod because really, he's right, and there just isn't any argument for that, as much as I might like to try. 

It's snowing when we hit Vancouver, which is odd that far west in Canada but Zack says it's been the coldest February in years. He gets us a motel room, falls onto the bed and is asleep almost immediately. He's been worried, he only sleeps that hard when something has freaked him. I pull off his shoes and throw a blanket over him, then I go sit in the chair and glare at his sleeping face until I feel myself drifting. 

  
When you stay in enough motels, they start to blend together, fuse, become the same, and you can't really tell one from another. You can stumble into a new room in the middle of the night without the lights on, without even enough light for your night vision to work, and you'll still be able to put your stuff down where it goes, get into bed. They're all laid out in a basic way. They're all the same. When I can do my entire morning routine with my eyes closed in a room I've never set foot in before, and not bump into anything, I know it's time to move on. 

Zack, it seemed, didn't seem to subscribe to this idea. In fact, I think he probably thought it was better that way. More efficient. We moved around for weeks. All of a sudden it was late March and I hadn't seen my son or my husband in a month... I missed them, dreamed about them almost every night. I never said a word of it to Zack. Every time I thought about it, he would look at me, and he'd be so... proud. I liked that. I'm ashamed of it, but I liked it. I guess I sort of convinced myself it was better, the best thing I'd ever done, just like he said. 

  
Zack shakes me awake one warm day just after spring's started and I yawn, blinking against the light of very early morning. 

"We're moving out," Zack tells me. 

"Where?" 

"I'm getting a place by the beach," Jondy speaks up, startling me. She comes into my line of vision and smiles that not-quite-real smile like the last time I saw her. Her voice is bitter. 

"Jon," Zack warns, but she doesn't even look at him. I stand up and hug her close, Zack announces something about getting food and then we'll be going. He leaves me and Jondy alone and I hear the truck drive off. Jondy flops down on Zack's vacated bed and I walk over, sitting down on the edge next to her. She pulls me down and I close my eyes. 

"Hey, baby sister," I say into her shoulder. 

"I thought you were happy," she answers. "I thought you had that kid of yours. That husband." 

"I do." 

"Then what the hell are you doing up here?" 

"I... it's safer, if I..." I trail off, and Jondy's hand is soft in my hair. She sighs. 

"Yeah... I know." Neither of us speak for a long time. Jondy touches my cheek. "Tinga?" I smile to hear the name. "Yeah?" 

"I..." She sits up, pulls away from me. Stands. "Nevermind. Nevermind, Penny." 

"Don't, Jon," I whisper, my voice pained. She turns for the door but I say, "Please." She stops, faces me. 

"I told you... you'll be happier as Penny." Then she repeats her earlier question, "What the hell are you doing up here?" 

And me? I just lie there on that uncomfortable bed. Watch her walk into the bathroom and shut the door. Somehow, Jondy has a way of leaving me speechless.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Credit goes to my fiancée for giving me the flashback idea when I had nothing (and while I'm at it, for general encouragement and inspiration too). Thank you my love! 

  
HEJIRA - Chapter 6 

Jondy wakes me up at dawn every day. She strings a punching bag up in all our motel rooms and attacks it for an hour every morning. Sometimes she's crying when she finishes, though I never ask. Zack certainly never asks, he seems to already know, and she keeps her distance from him. Neither of them talk unless they have to, so I've grown accustomed to silence. 

I'm getting tired of this life, and I'm getting more and more homesick every day. Zack doesn't seem to be in any hurry to leave me and Jondy, which is odd, and I think almost losing us really got to him, made him think about how lucky we've been for the last ten years. I guess so, anyway. I never actually got the complete story on how we were compromised. We turn heads wherever we go, three beautiful people fairly close in age. This is yet another reason why it surprises me that Zack lets us stay together so long. But every time I think he's about to split us up, he shows no intention whatsoever of doing so. It baffles me and intrigues me all at once. 

One day Jondy hauls me out of bed early in the morning and makes me change into one of her tank tops and shorts, and she puts me in front of the punching bag. Without really asking why, still half-asleep, I go at it. Zack has long since gotten up and is out on one of his many errands. It feels good to hit that punching bag, to throw left hooks and quick right jabs, to feel the thing lurch away from my fists, the crunch of leather and stuffing satisfying on my knuckles. 

When I'm done, Jondy is standing across the room, leaning against the windowframe with her arms crossed. Her blue eyes look at me intensely before she pushes off from the wall, walking over to me slowly as she holds me in her gaze. I'm older, but I feel like I'm waiting for her approval. 

"So," she finally speaks. "You're still a soldier after all." 

"Are you?" I ask her. 

"You got lost in it," she says, motioning at the bag. I follow the gesture and nod, and then Jondy smiles. "That's good. You were always so completely involved in what we were doing." We lose eye contact as my gaze slides sideways. 

  
_Blood heightens everything. We kicked and punched and grabbed, but when somebody's nails scraped, or maybe it was somebody's teeth, that changed everything..._

  
"Tinga," Jondy interrupts me, her voice firm. I look at her and I smile, because I realize she knows exactly what it is I was experiencing. That's the thing about being with normal people too long- you start to feel like the flashbacks, the memories, make you a freak. You start to forget that there are other people, your family, who experience the same thing, know it all like no one else ever could. And when you're back with your family, things feel right. You're complete. 

"I keep a gun in the wall of my apartment back in Portland," I tell her, and she nods with a slow smile. She's impressed. 

"That's good," she says. "That'll come in handy when you go back there." 

"Go back?" I repeat, staring at her for a few moments in confusion. 

"Don't you think it's time?" 

"I..." I trail off and Jondy walks over to me. She hugs me, folds herself into my arms, and I hold her soft, muscular body in my arms. It's like I can feel the sadness emanating outward from her, passing between her skin and mine in little waves. She sighs. "Shh, baby sister," I say immediately, because I'm thinking she's about to cry. She pulls back and smiles at me, shakes her head. 

"Not this time," she says. "Don't you miss your son?" 

"Of course," I whisper, my voice pained. 

"Then go home, Penny," Jondy says firmly. 

"I don't want to," I answer, the words coming out almost on their own, and they hang there for a long time, scaring me, maybe scaring us both. Jondy doesn't blink. 

"We can steal Zack's car," she says, pretending I didn't speak. Giving me an out from those dangerous words I'd just spoken. "The snow's getting on my nerves anyway, I'd like to go back to California." 

"Nobody will be there," I whisper, and Jondy nods sadly. "Zane will be gone, and we know what happened to Brin." 

"I know," she whispers back. "Maybe I'll go east..." 

"East is off limits," I tell her, but the reminder falls on deaf ears. If Jondy wants to try, I think she should, whether Zack likes it or not. Ben's my brother too, and I don't want to see him end up dead or worse just because he can't separate Manticore's fiction from reality. 

"It'll be easier for me to get home by myself," I say softly. 

"I'll split with you at the Washington-Oregon border," Jondy agrees. We nod, and I gaze at my sister, wondering when I'll see her again, if I'll see her again. I think of Charlie, of Case, and regret my earlier words. 

"I do want to go," I correct myself, and Jondy nods. "I just... I'll miss you." I roll my eyes in the direction of the door. "Him too." Jondy smiles. 

"Yeah, me too." 

"I love you." 

"I love you too, Tinga," she answers, and then she hugs me, holds me close, her hands in my dark hair, soothing and warm. 

"What happened to you?" I ask into the safety of her shoulder. 

"Shh," she whispers back, and after a little while, "What do you think the best way to Chicago would be? Going through Helena or Salt Lake City?" 

"Helena," I answer immediately, my eyes closing. "You'll bypass Wyoming that way." 

"Good point," she says. Then she lets me go, throws a punch at the the bag, and flops onto the bed. "Oh good, Zack's home. I'm starving." She's always had better hearing than me so I trust it, and before my eyes can settle on the door it's opening and Zack is walking in. 

"Hey," I say. He drops fried chicken onto the bed and Jondy starts devouring it, graciously handing me a piece before she inhales the whole thing. She eats an incredible amount of food, and because she barely sleeps, she never gains a pound. Not that it even matters, probably. I doubt any of us could be obese if we wanted to- the beauty, I'm sure, is written into our genes in more ways than one. 

"When are we moving out?" Jondy asks when she can speak without disgusting us. I glance at Zack curiously. 

He shrugs. "Why, are you in some kind of hurry?" 

"We're soldiers, " Jondy says, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "I thought we were supposed to move around all the time." 

Again, Zack shrugs. " Lydecker's not on to us. We're safe together for a while." And I wonder, did losing Brin, almost losing us, really freak him this much? 

I swallow my chicken. "It just seems unlike you." 

Zack smiles. "Don't worry. I know what I'm doing." Then he gets up, gathers the garbage, and starts packing. "Though you're right... it is time to move on from here." He grabs some stuff and heads outside to the car. At this Jondy grins, and that's when I know she has some kind of plan. Not that I'd ever ask. And not that she'd ever dream of telling me. 

  
_"It's a battlefield," Ben says. The others have long since gone to sleep, except Max and Jondy who are playing on Max's bed across the room. We're supposed to be sleeping too but Ben wants to talk and we're always there to listen. The three of us are always there for each other. _

"A battlefield?" Eva repeats, her voice calm. I've never seen her lose her cool, I don't even think she's capable of it. When she smiles, her whole face looks serene. My siblings say mine lights up when I smile, but I don't smile very often. Sometimes they try to make me, but I usually get irritated and the game stops being fun then. 

Ben nods, continues, "Where only the best soldiers get to fight. It's how you prove you're worthy of the Good Place." Ben's definition of how to prove you're worthy of the Good Place changes every day, but no one ever questions how he knows what he knows. He just does. 

Eva shakes her head slowly, thoughtfully. "It's probably a lot different. It's probably sunny all the time, and I bet no one makes you train if you don't want to. I bet people smile a lot more, and if you want to leave they don't try to stop you. They just let you go. You can do whatever you want, and it's okay. You can live the way you want to. No orders." 

Ben rolled his eyes. "That doesn't make any sense," he says, then turns to me. "What about you? What do you think?" 

I look at him, shrug. "I don't care." And it's the truth, I don't. Eva and Ben exchange a small smile. 

"Play the game, Tinga," Eva gives a gentle order, so I sigh and put on my best thinking expression. But all I can picture is Manticore. I've never really had a great imagination. 

"It's probably just like here," I say. 

"No," they both answer firmly in unison. Ben adds, "It's not like here at all." 

That said, Eva stands up. "Sleep," she announces in an authoritative voice. Every so often she allows herself forget her duties as 2IC, to be with the two of us mostly, but she always remembers them again. 

I frown as they head back to their beds, Ben's by Max's and Eva's next to Zack's. I settle into my own bunk between Dar and Brin, and frown at the ceiling. "It's probably just like here," I say under my breath. After all, Lydecker lives in the Real World too, doesn't he? For all we know, he made that one too. 

  
We were a sub-unit. Not officially, but we felt like one, just the three of us. We were so close, so similar in a lot of ways. We understood each other, were in tune to each other the way Max and Jondy were, or Lex, Dali, and Tosh. We saw the world in the same way, and we were going to be together, forever. We were in this together... that's what we thought. 

I did run with Ben, but not with Eva. She died. They killed her. _He_ killed her. Broke us apart, made us lose one of our own. 

And now... and now Ben is heading down the same path. We drifted. We all drifted. We knew each other so well, and now I have a sister dead and a brother who's either not who he used to be, or more himself than he's ever been before. I change my mind on that almost daily. 

I look up. "Jondy?" 

"Hmm?" 

"Are you really going to go East?" I ask her. She turns to me slowly, like she'd been expecting this, and there's a small smile on her face, though her eyes are tense. She has the most interesting and most upsetting eyes of anyone I've ever seen. They have more shadow than colour. 

"What's stopping me?" she asked me, instead of answering. 

"If you do end up over there... tell Ben..." I trail off. Tell him what? That I love him? He knows that. "Tell him..." Again, I falter, but Jondy's looking at me with such patience that I get the impression she'd wait all night for me to finish. "Tell him I have a son," I finish finally. Jondy smiles, seeming pleased with this answer. She waits. "And also..." But I can't think of anything more. I want to, but I can't. I haven't seen Ben in over eight years... I can't imagine what to say.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 

    _Even in sleep, I immediately registered the sudden weight on my chest and I snapped awake. Jondy's wide, intense blue eyes gazed down at me from where she sat straddling my torso, sitting daintily but noticeably on my stomach.      "What?" I whispered, glancing around the barracks. Everything was alright, the others were asleep. Even Max was grabbing a few hours of slumber. I looked back to Jondy and asked again, "What?"      "Why are my eyes blue and yours are brown?"      I considered her question. "I don't know."      "Tali's are orange. Cade's are green."      "I know, Jondy."      "Why are we different?"      Irritated at having to repeat my confession of ignorance, I instead slipped my hands under Jondy's shoulders and deposited her firmly but gently on the ground, sitting up at the same time. "Go to sleep."      Jondy smirked. "Me?"      "I'm tired."      "I'm not. Why are we different, Tinga?"      "Why are you asking me?"      Jondy reached out slowly and stroked her hand lightly against my half-inch of dark hair, making me shiver a little. "You don't know," Jondy whispered sadly.      "No," I answered, slightly uncomfortable. I watched Jondy turn her head and followed my sister's gaze, our eyes resting on Syl's empty bed.      "When's she coming back?" Jondy asked.      "I don't know," I answered softly. "Soon."      "She had brown eyes."      "Go to sleep, Jondy."      "What if she doesn't come back?" Jondy asked, turning back to me.      I hesitated. "She will," I said finally, and Jondy straightened, her expression calm.      "If she doesn't come back, I'm going to kill the Colonel," she said calmly. Then she turned on her heel and walked back to her bed.
_

    Jondy and I leave Zack in a snowy little city on the mainland of British Columbia called Prince Rupert and crossed the border back into the USA around noon. It's a mountain town that I know Jondy hates because she hates the snow. It reminds her of the escape, our feet leaving soft footprints, the cold not bothering us for a long time, and then suddenly biting into our bones, chilling us until the undersides of our fingernails turned red. I wonder briefly how Jondy lost Max that night, but I would never dream to ask. It's not that I don't care about things or that I don't get curious- I just value my privacy, and strive to make sure my siblings maintain theirs.      "Hit me up with one of those pretzels," Jondy says to a vendor in South Market, Seattle when we stop for provisions. I move away from 'Jake's Traditional New York Confectionary' and order some teriyaki chicken from an adjacent booth. "Traditional New York pretzel my ass," Jondy says as she rejoins me, looking disappointedly at the twist of bread in her hand. "I lived in New York. This tastes like shit."      "Most things do nowadays," I say with a smile. "I'll make pretzels for you sometime."      "That's what I love about you, Tinga," Jondy answers. "You can cook."      "And the black market connections don't hurt either," I add. I look at my watch. "We should head back to the car if we're going to hit Oregon before nightfall."      Jondy rolls her eyes but she starts back to the car with me. "Can't we hang around Seattle for a while?"she asks. "I want to check out the Space Needle."      "It's not that great."      Jondy shrugs. "Still, I bet it's one hell of a High Place."      I shake my head. "No time." Jondy shrugs again and throw the pretzel away as we head back to the truck we stole after crossing the border. I let her drive because she likes to, and I like to stare out the window and think, which usually doesn't make for very safe driving. We drove for about an hour in silence before I felt Jondy's eyes on me every few moments. I turned to her and gave her a questioning look.      She smiled. "Sorry... I'm trying to think of random conversation we could have. But I'm drawing a blank, so do you want to listen to music?"      "Sure," I answered, though I didn't really want to that much. Jondy switched on the radio and started scanning the stations.      "What do you like?" she asked.      I glanced over at her. "Classical."      Our eyes met and then Jondy turned back to the road. "Wow," she said. "I'm so glad I'm driving." I couldn't help chuckling a little at that, and then Jondy stumbled onto a techo station. The song that was playing was oddly familiar, and as I listened I realized that someone had taken Mozart and warped it into some sick form of rhythmic dance music. Jondy seemed quite impressed with herself, as though she'd found a nice compromise. I reached over and turned off the radio.      "No."      "No?"      "Definitely not."      Jondy shrugged and turned back to the road. "Fine, I won't be diplomatic," she said with a smile. I let out a long sigh, thinking about what was to come, worried about what would happen when I reached Portland, what I would tell Charlie, if I could finally work up the courage to explain everything to him.     An hour short of the Washington-Oregon border Jondy pulled into the parking lot of a gas station/convenience store. "I'm starving," she said. "And I want a new car... preferably one with a CD player this time."      "Do you have CDs on you?" I asked as she parked the car and we got out.     "Okay... rephrasing. Preferably one with a CD player and a pack of CDs in it," she said with a wide smile. I rolled my eyes.      "Whatever you want," I said as we entered the convenience store. "I'm going to grab some fruit if they've got it."      "Good luck with that," Jondy said, heading for the self-serve coffee bar. I managed to find a couple of bananas and an apple, and grabbed that as well as a package of trail mix. I met Jondy back at the counter, who had a half-dozen chocolate bars and a double-americano heaped with whipped cream.      "Oh God, you're a health freak," she said, looking at my food. I shrugged and we unloaded on the counter. "I've got this," Jondy said, getting out her wallet as the clerk rang up our food. He glanced at me and did a double-take, which I rolled my eyes at, hating being so beautiful sometimes.      "Aren't you the girl from the milk carton?" he asked, wide-eyed.      I stared at him. "What?" I exchanged a look with Jondy and he left the counter to go to the fridge in the back. Jondy lifted some money from the till as he rummaged around, and then he came back to them. He handed me a small milk carton and I turned it over until I saw what he was talking about. The colour drained from my face. "Yeah..." I managed. "That does look like me..." I handed it to Jondy and she raised an eyebrow at it before putting it on the counter with the rest of their stuff.      "We'll get this too," she said, and paid with some of the money she'd just stolen from him. We went back out to the car and didn't say anything until we were in it. I took the milk carton from Jondy as she started the car and looked it, recognizing my face from a picture that Charlie had taken of me and Case a few months after his first birthday.      I closed my eyes briefly. "I should have seen this coming," I muttered, angry at myself for overlooking the obvious fact that Charlie would search for me after I didn't come home. Jondy pulled the car onto the road and we resumed our drive toward the state line.      "It's done," Jondy answered. "We're going to have to deal with it now." She paused in thought, then added, "It's safe to say Zack doesn't know shit about this."      I nodded. "I doubt anyone in the family does, unless they came upon it like we did."      "And if they did," Jondy answered for me. "Then they probably think you've gone back."      I shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Zack might have kept them informed, or not. I really don't care. I have to find my husband and son before Lydecker finds this."      Jondy turned the carton over in her hands and read the fine print under the listed ingredients and nutritional information. "I think it's a safe bet to say he already does," she said. "This milk is at least two weeks old and who knows how long the ad was running before then." I briefly considered calling Charlie and warning him, telling him I was okay but that he needed to get Case out of our apartment immediately. But the thought was fleeting, gone almost instantly. I knew that Lydecker would have taps on the phone, people nearby watching. I had one chance to get my family out or we could all end up back at Manticore, and I wasn't going to let that place touch my son.      We drove in silence for a while, as I prepared myself for what was ahead. I managed to convince Jondy to let me listen to my own music for a while, and I found a classical station on the AM. I held the milk carton in my hands and studied the picture, the smile on my face. I heaved a sigh and Jondy glanced over at me, giving me a small smile. I gave her one back, but I was far too preoccupied to even bother to make it reach my eyes. My gaze was directed back at the carton almost immediately. I glanced behind me into the backseat and caught sight of Jondy's large duffel.      "I'm assuming you've got some weapons in there?" I asked her. At her nod I explained, "I didn't have time to gear up while we were jumping from one place to another in the land of peace." I gave a snort. "Could I use you as a dealer for now?"      Jondy nodded. "Help yourself to what I have. I've got a long trip ahead of me and I can pick up more on the way."      I nodded back to her. "I'll get strapped at the state line," I said. "We're almost there now." It was less than twenty minutes before we reached the turnoff to the state sector checkpoint. Jondy pulled onto the shoulder and down a soft incline on the side of the road, as close to the treeline as possible, killing the engine to minimize anyone's visibility of our vehicle. I crawled into the backseat and raided her duffel, taking a varied arsenal, not knowing exactly what kind of conditions I would be up against. We both got out of the truck and concealed the weapons in the hood and under the body of the truck, then I took the keys from Jondy and she smiled at me.      "Good luck," she said. I nodded and climbed into the driver's seat, starting the engine.      "Take care of yourself, baby sister," I said to her. "Don't spend too much time with Ben."      Jondy nodded, understanding what I was saying. She took a step back and tapped on the roof of the truck. "I'll see you," she said. I drove the truck back onto the road and went through the checkpoint without a hitch, driving over the bridge and into the state of Oregon, my nerves immediately tensing to the knowledge that I was now entering enemy terrority. 


End file.
